“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don鈥檛 I have a hedgehog?
me: why can鈥檛 I crack this egg open
wife: because it鈥檚 a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: Of course I鈥檓 an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
concern
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 馃檮馃檮馃檮
The rumor that I鈥檓 secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
you just know somebody鈥檚 being called by their full name right now
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.