(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
S/o to @funTweeters .
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Brother?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again