Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
This probably isn’t good
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]