Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning