Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.