Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked