Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.