Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.