I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Netflix and you sit over there.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
bias laundering edition
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.