Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell