@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@mdob11

“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.

@mdob11

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

@mdob11

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@mdob11

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*