Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.