@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@mdob11

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@mdob11

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@mdob11

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY