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Page of mdob11's best tweets

@mdob11 : [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.

@mdob11: Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That's not how this works

@mdob11: [meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@mdob11: Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@mdob11: *someone hands me a baby*
Oh... no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@mdob11: 'Siri, am I an alcoholic?', I whisper into my burrito.

@mdob11: Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I'm fine.

@mdob11: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@mdob11: You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I'm staying.

@mdob11: 911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN'T REPLY