if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My Sentiments Exactly
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?