Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.