It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You Might Also Like
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
This is why I hate group projects
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.