People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly