Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers