6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?