My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.