There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.