house sitting!
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button