Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460