I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body