We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler