We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*