I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs