I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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Saw online –
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Cool shirt 🙂
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”