If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse