The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
this article brought to you by lions
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer