Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy