Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)