“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes