Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*3.5 thank you very much.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!