What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.