*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
A roof is a house hat.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins