Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.
-Me to my Ex.
*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!
*gets escorted out of church*
This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.
-Me eating tofu
Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?
Him-Whatever you want.
Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*
*handsome, young man walks up*
Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.
HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.
You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!
-Me to my scale as I step off of it
You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren’t able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!