Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mexinonblonde's best tweets

@mexinonblonde : {First Date}

Him-I should probably just tell you this now....I’m a compulsive liar.

Me-....

Him-...

Me-Sooooo what you’re trying to say is that you’re a meteorologist?

@mexinonblonde: Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.

@mexinonblonde: Nothing brings you crashing to reality with all the force the cosmos has to offer like:
Feeling sexy AF only to have your grandchild run up behind you talkin bout, “Grammy, Grammy, Grammy!!”.

@mexinonblonde: My 2 year old granddaughter sounds like Eddie Vedder when she talks.

And like Eddie I love the shit out of her but I can’t understand a god damn thing she says.
The struggle.

@mexinonblonde: *jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*

@mexinonblonde: This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.

-Me eating tofu

@mexinonblonde: Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait...how do you know what my.....
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.

@mexinonblonde: I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

@mexinonblonde: *crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@mexinonblonde: *handsome, young man walks up*
HYM-Ms.

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I'm sexy. But young guys aren't my thing.

HYM-You've toilet paper on your heel.