That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.