him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Lmfao
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.