If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
