there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*