ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.