[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
You Might Also Like
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.