news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better