The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
This is painfully accurate 😅
This dude got his own movie?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water