Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.