a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
that lip filler tho