@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@mikefossey

one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later

@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@mikefossey

republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@mikefossey

I’m a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math

@mikefossey

BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon