Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
You Might Also Like
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
when there are deer in the woods
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”