[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food