I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
181.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk