I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?